omnimon_5000

Well, I'm back from an awesome time in Canada. What a trip! It all started a week and a half ago, when my dad took me to Dulles Airport around 7 AM. Turns out my 8:30 flight was canceled due to some plane crash the day before. Fuck... So, I got moved to the next available flight, which happened to be a good four hours later. Didn't bother me much, as I had my PowerBook with me. As courtesy for the inconvenience, the lady who issued my ticket even gave me a $5 voucher for any of the food in the airport. Twas good.

After waiting a bit for the plane to arrive, I hopped on the United Express plane around 12:30. The flight was interesting. This dude in the opposite aisle was fucking paranoid during takeoff and landing. Looked as if he was gonna have a nervous breakdown. Seriously, he kept grasping his face like a scared little kid, bending forward and back, and continuously adjusting his seat. Damn dude, take Amtrak next time...

As soon as I got there, I was immediately relaxing in the pool at my aunt's house. My whole time up there was spent mostly with my cousins RR and Lisa. On my last day in Canada, the three of us watched Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo. That is seriously one hilarious movie! My favorite part was when Assopopalus did his signature move while Dragostea Din Tei (or Ma-Ya-Hi according to the credits) played in the background.

The plan for coming back went through several changes. Originally, it was supposed to be me, Lisa, and Vicki going back via Amtrak. Vicki had to back out since she had other priorities to attend to. Then the plan changed for RR to join me and Lisa, since I was able to get tickets to WWE SummerSlam. That changed, when the whole dilemma of Lisa's passport arose (which eventually changed the plan into me driving back to Virginia with RR and his family- and no Lisa).

After talking with my uncle, it turned out he wanted to stop over in New York for Sunday evening, then continue the trip Monday afternoon. That plan didn't settle well with my dad, as my ass needed to be back in Virginia by Monday morning (because I had to sign something at Corcoran by Monday morning). This new dilemma meant one thing- change of plans! Before I knew it, my Tita Beth called me up and arranged something quick with my dad- me and Lisa were gonna have our asses shipped out of Canada by that evening. By Saturday night, me and Lisa embarked on a cross-country bus ride back to the U.S.

The trip was fun. We went from Montreal to Albany, Albany to NYC, then NYC to Washington. I hated to trip from Montreal to Albany, as the seat in front of me kept rattling like crazy. Albany was pretty interesting. When we stopped for a break there, some big angry black dude was cussing out a police officer. You know you're in America when something like that occurs... By 10:45 AM, we were back on my home turf.

In the end, all is good- I'm back to sign papers for education grants on time, Lisa's in the U.S. without a passport (thank goodness birth certificates are allowed), and RR and his family are en-route to Virginia without any time-oriented obligations on their shoulders. My time in Canada is up and it's their turn. The vacation continues!

Anyway, here's what I've learned on my solo trip to Canda...

• Canadian employees are hot! Not just hot, but (clenches jaw) HAWT! Examples:
-The Customs attendant at the airport
-The employee at the video game store
-My cashier, Dushka (what a hot name), at MacDonald's

• Real girls do exist- and they live in Canada! I have now decided that I want to marry one. Why? They're naturally beautiful. They hardly ever wear makeup. And if they do, they don't apply it as if Pollick had a fucking seizure. Everywhere I turned was a naturally beautiful girl. Jackpot!

• Bubble Tea is the shit! Don't believe me? Haul your ass to Canada and try one yourself.

• Poutine is the best side dish ever! Why the fuck can't American MacDonald's have this as an alternative to fries?!

• Russell Peters is a hilarious comedian!

• Much Music is still better than MTV.

• Bumping into 200+ random girls is fun!

• Taxes still rape your punk ass! Goddamn 15%...

• Condom dispensers are aplenty in food court washrooms. One loonie can get you the flavored kind, and a toonie can get you the studded kind!

• Never raise your hand in a Jewish neighborhood. Goose-stepping is fine...?

• Messing with your little cousin is all in good fun, but it leads to remote controls being flung at your head. On my second night there, RR and I kept messing with Kurt because he wouldn't share his pillow. Basically one thing led to another, and I found myself the victim. Kid's got good aim in the dark.

• Lisa's supervisor at Tim Horton's shall forever be known to me and RR as "Bobble Head".

• Four beers, 1 Popper, and 1/3 Guinness is what it takes to get me drunk. Granted one of the beers was consumed a good 2 hours beforehand, the fact that it was already in my system makes it count!

• Apparently, I am funny when I am drunk. The guys have pictures to prove it. According to Steve, one conversation went something like this:
"Hey Johnny, you okay?"
"I gotta pee!"

Another, went like this:
"Johnny, I think you're drunk"
"I'm fine" *trips over box of Molson*

• Pingu is a retarded Penguin that I want to punch in the face.

* A 24 pack of Molson Dry, a 4 pack of Poppers, and a 4 pack of Guinness comes out to $52.45 Canadian.

• The Van Horne sortie at Plamondon is the sortie I need, not the Barclay sortie.

• When wayward travel plans get to you, 2 bottles of Bud make the anxiety go away...